My Dark Vanessa

My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell

I read this book between the first of March and the nineteenth for the book club Courtney's Cozy Corner.

@Sofiesreadingworld

It has been some time now since I read My Dark Vanessa and still I cannot find the words to fully grasp and explain the story.

As a 14-year old, Vanessa catches feelings for her English teacher, mister Strane. Feelings that he returns, more directly and pushingly even. Vanessa has so many feelings, so many thoughts, so many ideas and wishes. The school management and staff, completely ignore their encounters and behaviour. But a couple of other students do notice what's going on. And naturally, they'll label their 'relationship' as pedophilic. I'll leave it up to you to make up your own mind about this.

During this read, you'll encounter that Vanessa has, in fact, a notion of what Strane really did to her and her life, but still, she doesn't accept that as her truth. She will always see the love story in everything she's been through, she even held on to that for so many years! You'll also notice that Strane's toxic behaviour is still validated by Vanessa until the very end. Which definitely can be troublesome while reading. Because of Vanessa's point of view, it seems very selfish of her to minimise what happened to the other young girls who were treated by Strane in the same way, but again, that's just her experience which she's reflecting onto the others and she refuses to accept it otherwise.

Being interested in medical conditions etc., I expected a more thorough insight into the psychology behind Strane's and Vanessa's behaviours. Vanessa regularly visits a psychologist, but she only goes there to talk about the effects of the death of her father, she doesn't bring up her 'youth trauma' until the end of the story. And her behaviour and thoughts are not discussed or analysed further.

I know that this book may not be the work to be rated in stars, but I wanted to reflect the mark that it left on me. I'm enriched with a deep and psychological story, but it didn't fulfil me in a certain way. Knowing more about the reasons why Vanessa thinks this way or why Strane behaved the way he did, might have left me in a clearer headspace.

I also want to add that it took me quite a while to get into this one since it really is a heavy story about a heavy subject.

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Trigger warnings: childhood trauma, rape, pedophilia, grooming, gaslighting, sexual assault,…